What Normcore Means 2 Me
Tom Lehman is a living, breathing Whole Foods - all I want to do is steal his shit!
is a skinny girlfriend under 25 that doesn't eat dairy or gluten, doesn't smoke with an active social media presence who went to an elite school and speaks foreign languages and shaves her box working in art or fashion or tech with different colored hair and eyes who has rich parents - is that REALLY so much to ask??
Not sure if it is because I take Chinese herbs or because I bake the living shit out of my forehead with the S4 sunroof open every day at noon. Still some crispy bumps but nothing swollen or too pimply.
"We are sooo far from me coming to Shabbat, trust me..."
SCENE: Ralphs of Utah (they call it "Smith's")
Mike Naboddy: Dogg, you can't just offer a girl coke. You have to feel around.
I have no doubt I would have fucked
LITTLE JUSTIN: Mahbod... are you still going out with...that blonde girl?
- "Now what do I know? I just sell stocks for a living, but... (bla bla bla internet doomed to fail)" (ACTUALLY A TRADER AT GOLDMAN SACHS HONG KONG)
Girls have a lot of reasons for not wanting to fuck the BENEFICENT Allah. Some of the most oft-heard:
My first anxiety phantom limb was the shooting pain in my elbow during Academic Decathlon. I thought that my arm was going to fall off. Brain quiz would make it go nuts.
I was wandering around aimlessly last night when my friend Esphawnee called to invite me and Ben N. to an Esphawnee family dinner celebrating his sister's birthday.
WHY I NEVER FEEL CLEAN IN NYC
"B is for Bibi! A is for Arafat!" - Felafel stand owner who got a "B" in health inspection
"What is the smallest container that would adequately fit the compressed ashes from all 6 million Jews burned in the Holocaust?"
Hey Rap genius,
BEST PARTS ABOUT LIVING AT 184 KENT DEATH STAR VORTEX
Kate Riley or Karl Lagerfeld.
Katie: You only think about working out! The only thing you care about is working out!
A lady at the Hoaf today was like "soft-skinned fruits have to be organic, because the pesticides - they kill fungus! - and they seep in! Your food is killing living things!"
Shared some basil with Matt aka "Lobsters & Cocaine" tonight.. he's moved into my old room chez Luther in order to feel guilted into losing weight. (It's working!)
(SCENE: Rap Genius HQ, East Village, NYC)
- You have a tattoo (EXCEPTIONS: 1. Numbers from the Holocaust 2. Anything really cute)
[To the tune of Gucci Mane's "Never Too Much Money"]
1. So are you girls into theory?
- Make my thighs look fat?
I was talking to a Persian Dentist Friend of mine today about the historic health care bill; he filled me in on what "le monde dentale" thinks about the legislation.
10. Am I wearing tighter pants than you?
They say that money doesn't make a man...so I've decided to return the favor. As the Germans say, "if you love your arbeit set it frei"
DATE: May 31, 2009
TO: Ballstate Insurance Company
FROM: The Beneficent Allah
RE: Likely Candidates for Earth Inheritance
You have asked me to analyze which species has a "more-likely-than-not" probability of Inheriting the Earth ("Inheritance"), and the ramifications of said Inheritance on the Life and P+C insurance industries.
Although a fungal Inheritance is a reasonable market assumption, insects and several probiotic species are potential rivals whose chances of success should be contemplated.
A. Fungus and Probiotics
In addition to the beauty of mushrooms, fungi provide a critical part of nature's continuous rebirth by recycling dead organic matter into useful nutrients. However, although credit market conditions have temporarily grounded certain parasitic fungi, notable fungologists have argued that the parasite is arguably the future's fungus.
The fruit of Basidiomycota is the mover to watch. Many mushrooms in this phylum look like umbrellas growing from the ground or like shelves growing on wood. The latticed stinkhorn, in particular, has seen an unprecedented era of caloric devlopment and could emerge from the market freeze as a leader.
The Meek are unlikely to Inherit the Earth.
Insects are currently going through what is referred in financial theory as a "molting cycle." Deep insect divisons are currently taking place on a cellular level and cells are most sensitive to "vorm" when they are dividing. (This is why vorm therapy is effective in treating cancer.)
The so-called "Molting Diversion" presents a serious threat to continued insectual dominance, making the insect an unwise investment focus for the time being.
Based on the above, I recommend that fungal policies be routinely analyzed as part of the actuarial data analysis process, as well as the appointment of a "Chief of Fungal Marketing" in the New York office.
NY Bar: "Oh, walk through Hell's Kitchen! Pull-ups on the jungle gym! I find the squalor so romantic...I should blog this...quel artiste! I have to wear a wristband overnight like in Nazi times! MmmmMMMmm!!"
(Scene: A and/or the bar...Any bar)
I passed the moral character and fitness requirements and I'm really a lawyer now, swear to bob. It was easy, you just need to do 20 pull-ups, 10 min. erg and some precor...
This blog is heretofore devoted to subtle memes. Let's set us off:
Living in New York makes me want to steal. Katie steals grapes. I stole grilled portobello from work yesterday - just walked out the cafeteria like whoa, not even any art to it - and today I stole nori from the Hoaf. We both steal the wsj, usually either from Bethany Thomas in our building or Thierry Vincent over at 13 E. 18th st. (conveniently on the way to the Hoaf)...I've never met these people, but if you haven't picked up your wsj by noon then I already have a Thierry about you: you're gay.
Post work hydrative Recessionary Sambar of Occidation (serves 1):
- La Peral (Asturias, Northern Spain) Pasteurized Cow: The handiwork of a single producer, La Peral is - for most of the year - a pasteurized cow's milk cheese; from January to May sheep's milk may be added. It was created about 80 years ago by an Asturian dairyman who lived to be 106. The ivory interior is veined moderately blue-gray; weeps moisture at room temperature.
Yesterday I received an envelope containing a mysterious white powder...yayo? anthrax?
(all times P.M.)
Beneficent Allah is applying to business school, and they want to know...things. Being rich in text, I don't have a problem with that. But there's one question I can't answer:
We passed a depot-vente today and they had some nice costumes in the window, including a tux, and a crimson robe with leopard trim:
(scene: Hotel Vitale, San Francisco)
In Paris I keep a rigid economy...but for philosophical reasons. I keep 2000 euros in my sock but I spend only on turnips and fruits, and the occasional artichoke if Katie's been a good girl.
Hey just got an e-mail from The "Actual" Rod! he's in Cambodge...I'm visiting in 6 weeks:
Juelz or Paul Kennedy.
Everybody eats, ok? Marwan eats pasta and Romain has a noontime éclair. Katie sits at German cafes and eats books, dressed in a gown of linen and rhomboid lace.
April is the cruelest month
Shit...everybody be callin me, facebook msgin me like, "so when you gonna blog bout France killa??"
(Today in hallway)
10:00 - 11:00: wake up in sound-proof chamber, snuggle
It faces west, and round the back and sides
hay mahbod khaneh gol I love you and we missed you last night at the hannukah party. janis got you a gift, so it will be waiting for you when you get back, that reminds me what would you want for your graduation gift, other than a patek phillip watch, anything affordable by us? let me know when you think about it, love you, hope you are having fun in vienna. your loving sis mojgan
My apartment in Vienna is the ballerest place I have ever lived, with high ceilings and a heated towel rack. The building was a Hapsburg hôtel particulier, one of the eagle's heads is peeking into my window...it's starin at me dogg.
"Actually do you have a smoking room available?"
- Elephant/Simon Weisenthal "Never Forgets"
Ma tante Marguerite avait dix ans de moins que ma mère et comptait par consequent vingt-six ans; mais comme elle avait vécu dans une tranquillité de coeur très profonde, elle était très bien conservée et semblait une jeune fille. Ma nudité semblait lui faire beaucoup d’impression, car chaque fois qu’elle me baignait, elle ne me parlait que d’une voix flûtée.
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I have to take medication before we take off, and I can't take it on an empty stomach, so could I please have two bags of Terra Blues and four bottles of water?"
Ara ara! I parked my BMW on PCH last Saturday in the 'boo and some asshole sideswiped my car while I was in the ocean. Hit and run, straight up. My baby.
I'm on the 33rd floor in LA...but keep in mind it is a much shorter building. I'm on the same floor as the kitchen; Maman was giving me shit yesterday about having a belly. It's like, bitch look at you! You are straight up fat! But I didn't say that. She's got a point, I've been Bingoinin')
"In a totally liberal economic system, certain people accumulate considerable fortunes; others stagnate in unemployment and misery. In a totally liberal sexual system, certain people have a varied and exciting erotic life; others are reduced to masturbation and solitude." - Michel Houellebecq
Funny urinal moment just now, I am taking a piss and a wizened-looking partner enters and says to me, "Hey! How's it goin!?!" really loud, before starting to take a piss right next to me. Looks like somebody's got a case of the Fridays.
My car service driver to lunch today was a crazy Russian man, who was very, very pissed about how short of a distance we'd ordered a car for. But 6th ave. traffic calmed him, and he told some funny jokes:
So I'm looking at all this different shit to find out how we're gonna tax-treat this escrow, and none of this shit makes any sense to me. I check my facebook a few times...I'm thinkin damn that Katie Kadue lookin sexy sexy...and then it comes to me...I remember Joe Bankman's sage words: "When all else fails, Bitker and Eustice..." Eustika!
Put 150 pages of anything into that and you've got an Amazon.com best-seller.
I always bite into my tomato and give it a good suck before carving it up for my sangwich. Today I got a real gusher. It was a grappé tomato from the organic market, they looked good on the rack, but I had no idea. I bite in and sploooge! This little tomato erupts like a pent-up nut, sending up an arc-en-ciel of straight sticky juice that I had to go hunting after; a portent that Spring has sprung.
The Law Cafe stopped taking IOU's today, but they told me that I am the only student still allowed to get them, because I always pay in the afternoon, and I am "muy guapo"
April fucking fourteenth and il pleut toujours...
The heinous sin of self-pollution and all its Frightful consequences, in both sexes, considered: with Spiritual and physical advice to those who have already injured themselves by this Abominable practice, leading to disturbances of the stomach and digestion, loss of appetite or ravenous hunger, vomiting, nausea, weakening of the organs of breathing, coughing, hoarseness, paralysis, weakening of the Organ of Generation to the point of impotence, back pain, disorders of the eye and ear, total diminution of bodily powers, paleness, thinness, pimples on the face, decline of intellectual powers, loss of memory, attacks of rage, madness, idiocy, epilepsy, fever and finally suicide.
When I was a toddler, I would take showers with my older brother sometimes, after the swimming pool. He was about the age that I am now. I was but a child, and when this started I had only seen one previous penis: my own. I remember thinking that my brother's flaccid penis was enormous. Compared to mine, it was like level four in Mario Brothers 3, or like when you see someone who has gained a lot of weight in a very short time. Around the same age I saw Baba's penis too, at a urinal: more of the same.
My brother tells me it's eerie to sleep in a half-empty house. A half-empty dormroom is pretty eerie too, and I don't have the luxury of running to Mamman's in the middle of the night if my diaper needs changing.
I never thought it would come to this...but I bought a CD at Starbucks today. I feel like such a dirtass.
My cock is in fire. You lied to me: I did not have any sexual intercourses at Princeton, the girls were so monstrous!! (I think I am for the West coast, my body is more Californian.)
I have bought three new pairs of shoes since you left. Did you succeed in wearing my shoes? It is extremely astonishing, you fit 45 !! I fit 42,5 ..
Anyway, we have the same penis size..
I have been thinking a lot about you, your hairs, the piano, and your sense of humor. I am sure it is not a matter to be "chauve" . You will be fine. Look at me, It seems I have a kind of spaghetti n ° 1 hairs .
In order to prepare your funeral ceremony, I decided to learn the piano. I have finished the first part of the Mozart Fantasia in C minor so far, I am working really hard!!
Since you are not here for the jogging, I am thinking about Kung fu. But people do not sweat as much as you. I miss that, I mean I miss the smell.
In Shanghai, there is not that much avocado, and because in our friendship there is no excuse, but only love I think you have to come over here very soon!
Through the years, the older men of my family have bequeathed me the following three pearls of wisdom: