Floetry

Real G's do Real Thangs. (When Theseus abducted
Ariadne
No pins held up his locks;)
Keep pleasantly clean, take exercise, work up an
outdoor Tan...
Make quite sure that your toga fits
(Like surr mesurr)
And isn't stained; don't lace (ya)ssures too tightly
Or spare the leather sponge, or slop
Around in too large a fitting. Don't let some incompetent barber
Fuck up your fade: both hair and beard demand
Expert attention. Keep your nails pared, and dirt-free;
Don't let those long hairs sprout
In your nostrils, make sure your breath is never offensive,
Avoid the rank male stench
That wrinkles noses.

RIP Michael "Nabati" Jackson, 1958 - 2009

It's amazing how much Michael Jackson and the Beneficent Allah have in common. We're both from Encino, the youngest, and

Can You Pass Michael's Love Test?

Michael doesn't like a girl who keeps her thoughts to herself; he delights in being around a lot of people, even when he is on a date; he likes comics, and his favorite characters are Spider-Man, Green Arrow, and The Incredible Hulk; he thinks personality is more important than looks; and he doesn't like jealous types.

Personally, I like jealous types as long as it brings the freak out. I also think looks are more important than personality, but...so did he, he's just bullshittin.

Answering emails (part 1)

I want to thank everyone who reads this blog, and especially the people who have sent me their comments, questions, and suggesions. I have received literally thousands of emails in the past couple weeks. Ideally I would to reply to all the emails personally, but it's too tough. I will try to answer a few of your queries here. I picked only the most common subjects, so I could answer several peoples' concerns at once. What's the expression? Kill both of your parents with a single shot?

Carol-Sue from Ocala, Florida writes:

Dear Beneficent Allah,

Where do you get your sheets? Please tell me so I can come roll around in them, cuz you're like the hottest self-publishing internet artist ever!!! My friends and I, we just sit around all day, hitting refresh. Here's a picture of me - please email me back if you're interested. I need your body.

Kisses,
Carol-Sue
---
My Dear Carol-Sue,

You are obviously a beautiful girl, and of course I'm interested, but I told myself before I started: Absolutely no groupies, under any circumstances. I need a girl who loves me for who I am. Thanks for reading my blog though, and to answer your question, I get my sheets online from www.bombsheets.com for the sensual thread count.

Cordially,
Beneficent Allah


Tasheed from Shreveport writes:

Dear Beneficent Allah,

You are one of the most hygienic niggas out there. Tell me, are there any particular products you recommend?

Thanks,
Tasheed
---
Dear Tasheed,

Good questions - I'll take them one at a time. I use Tinactin powder spray (preventive) on my feet, olive oil soap, Aloe Life Skin Gel for shaving, MOP shampoo (1x/week), Kinerase Face Wash and Lotion and Neutrogena Body Clear Body Scrub for my back. Also preventive.

Peace,
BA

Vork Product

They say that money doesn't make a man...so I've decided to return the favor. As the Germans say, "if you love your arbeit set it frei"

As a dernier thug life I decided to post my final billable memo. (Keeping the client secret but hint: rhymes with "Ballstate")

MEMORANDUM

DATE: May 31, 2009

TO: Ballstate Insurance Company

FROM: The Beneficent Allah



RE: Likely Candidates for Earth Inheritance


I. Introduction


You have asked me to analyze which species has a "more-likely-than-not" probability of Inheriting the Earth ("Inheritance"), and the ramifications of said Inheritance on the Life and P+C insurance industries.

II. Facts

Although a fungal Inheritance is a reasonable market assumption, insects and several probiotic species - as well as the hispanic - are potential rivals whose chances of success should be contemplated.

A. Fungus and Probiotics

In addition to the beauty of mushrooms, fungi provide a critical part of nature's continuous rebirth by recycling dead organic matter into useful nutrients. However, although credit market conditions have temporarily grounded certain parasitic fungi, notable fungologists have argued that the parasite is arguably the future's fungus.

The fruit of Basidiomycota is the mover to watch. Many mushrooms in this phylum look like umbrellas growing from the ground or like shelves growing on wood. The latticed stinkhorn, in particular, has seen an unprecedented era of caloric devlopment and could emerge from the market freeze as a leader.

B. The Hispanic

The recent ascendance of Justice Sonya Sotomayor to the High Court has once again raised the specter of unbridled hispanicism in the industry. I must declare a personal partiality to Hispanics and more particularly phylum Mexicanus, known for its helado as well as the mystikal transformation of adorable little Mexiquitas into grease seemingly overnight in Junior High.

Although Mexicans are a source of fundamental cleanliness, happiness and religiosity, now is a time of much challenge in global health for this otherwise competitive population. The swine flu - although largely a marketing fiction - will result in severe demexicanizations that the Hispanic will not be able to overcome until 2012, at the earliest.

Furthermore, although unlikely, a Basidiomycota/Hispanic merger cannot be ruled out.

C. Meek

The Meek are unlikely to Inherit the Earth.

D. Insects

Insects are currently going through what is referred in financial theory as a "molting cycle." Deep insect divisons are currently taking place on a cellular level and cells are most sensitive to "vorm" when they are dividing. (This is why vorm therapy is effective in treating cancer.)

The so-called "Molting Diversion" presents a serious threat to continued insectual dominance, making the insect an unwise investment focus for the time being.

III. Recommendation

Based on the above, I recommend that fungal policies be routinely analyzed as part of the actuarial data analysis process, as well as the appointment of a "Chief of Fungal Marketing" in the New York office.

Some Bar

(Scene: A and/or the bar...Any bar)

Beneficent Allah: Tom I do hope that you won't simply flitter away this evening as you are often wont to do.

Tom: I'm just feeling so...letharj, Beneficent Allah.

BA: Bother! What could it be?...aha! Stick out your tongue. Hmmm...now if I know anything about anything, that tonguescruff means Vorm. And Vorm means Company, and Company means Food and Listening-to-me-Humming and such like.

Tom: Food. Yes, maybe some food will do the trick! What about a mouthful of something? And look here, I've got some de-liii-cious sangwiches for us! Apple or carrot with your sangwich, Beneficent Allah?

BA: Both! But...(so as not to seem greedy)...don't bother about the sangwich, please.

Tom: And for you, vorm?

Vorm: I'll have just a sangwich, please. And if Beneficent Allah won't be having his...

BA: (bites into carrot) MMMMmmmmM! A tasty carrot, Directly Fresh! Freshly Direct! I...I haven't had a tasty carrot for so long...

Tom: And why's that?

BA: Well...I've alchemized my old sambar concoction into a New and Tasty Sambar Treat Consisting of:

2 leaves Kombu Kelp
2 cups'Eau
1 cup o' dash o' Flax (Homemade)
1 cup Chamomile
1 cup Tea/Tilo & Tilleul
1/4 cup Thyme
3 Hoafish Wasabees
Too Much Coriander, Cayenne and Curry
Not Enough Chickpeas
a Turnip or So
Pinch of Motherwort
Hint of Nutmeg, and...
The Day's Tea Leaves
all Bouilled together until I grow impatient. I can't get enough!

Tom: Sounds delicious, Beneficent Allah.

BA: Would you care to try it? Perhaps you could come over later tonight (and you too Vorm!) and we'll make an evening of it, blaze on the rooftop...

Vorm: Why Beneficent Allah! Offering me, an intestinal work, a Poisonous Sambar! That's like...like offering Soap to a Jew!

BA: Now you listen here vorm, I'll have you know that the Iranian Jews were Exempted from the Holocaust and so if you'll kindly stop your...

Vorm: Hush! Here comes one now...

(enter The ACTUAL God)

Tom: And how are you, Actual God?

Actual God: Not very how...I don't seem to have felt at all how for a long time.

BA: Dear, dear. I'm sorry about that. Now turn about, let's have a look at you.

(dainty pirouette)

BA: Charming...spitting image of your mother!

AG: And can we see the back of you, My Dear Old Allah?

(spritely spin)

AG: Why Beneficent Allah, what's happened to your hair?

BA: What has happened to it?

AG: It isn't there!

BA: Are you sure?

AG: Well, either hair is there or it isn't there You can't make a mistake about it. And yours isn't there!

BA: Then what is?

AG: Nothing.

(.....)

BA: Let's have a look (circles to where his hair had been a little while ago) Sigh...I believe you're right.

AG: Of course I'm right.

BA: That accounts for a Good Deal. It explains Everything. No Wonder.

AG: You must have left it somewhere.

BA: Somebody must have taken it.

AG: How Like Them.

Quel Caractère!

I passed the moral character and fitness requirements and I'm really a lawyer now, swear to bob. It was easy, you just need to do 20 pull-ups, 10 min. erg and some precor...

Subtle Memes

This blog is heretofore devoted to subtle memes. Let's set us off:

1) People who talk about Kermit Roosevelt - from a historical perspective - with a perfectly straight face, as if it's not hilarious that his name is Kermit Roosevelt i.e. "Kermit Roosevelt was a principal architect of detente! Kermit Roosevelt was a raging alcoholic!" etc...

2) Telling a story where you implicitly demonstrate your knowledge that Al Gore and Gore Vidal are related, but no "Did you know they are related?" as if to say "Of course I know that they are related, as does everyone who I communicate with. If it were news to me or any of my audience, I would be working at The New Republic, not the New Yorker..."

e.g. "Gore Vidal gave a prescient speech at Al and Tipper's wedding on the future of globalization..." e.g. "Obvi Gore was at their wedding! they are related..."

Takawful

People think my job is so easy...get paid $12k/month to do basically nothing. People also think pimpin is easy. Telling symmetry...

Shit ain't easy! Every day I'm like "don't drop the Blackberry in the toilet, don't drop the Blackberry in the toilet," which requires deft thigh balancing. Sadly the technology forces me to read the NYT at work (WSJ refuses to pay the $50 for the Blackberry add-on) which - like the dirt beneath my fingernails and the liesse populaire ringing in my ears - makes me feel Cuban...all too Cuban.

I'm working on Takaful at work, except Heng and Sheng (my Asians) do all the work for me. What's Takaful, you ask? Well, just ask yourself...what are the two favorite things of Beneficent Allah?:

1) Insurance

+

2) Islam

=

Islamic insurance! Now lets see if you can dedeuce Retakaful...

My girlfriend just moved to Brooklyn, wherever that is. Something about "women are not objects yada yada my body belongs to me etc..."...like a fatwa. I don't know what I did wrong. I didn't invest in pork, gambling or pornography. I took a flat fee - no usury - I mean, geez, I was really more of a Wakil than a Mudharabah! Maybe that was the problem...

New low

Set turnip on fire in the trash.

Jweef

Living in New York makes me want to steal. Katie steals grapes. I stole grilled portobello from work yesterday - just walked out the cafeteria like whoa, not even any art to it - and today I stole nori from the Hoaf. We both steal the wsj, usually either from Kristen Thomas in our building or Thierry Vincent over at 13 E. 18th st. (conveniently on the way to the Hoaf)...I've never met these people, but if you haven't picked up your wsj by noon then I already have a Thierry about you: you're gay.

I have a book idea: its called An Economic History of Me...it would attempt to narrativize every dollar I've earned or spent since age five. Theft would be in there too, mengs...bien sur...and would receive a clever accounting treatment that would baffle historians of the Twentieh century in years to come. I have another book idea: it would be a Sexual History of Me as an Insect.

25 Random Things About Beneficent Allah

The Dancing Deity fills out the popular chain letter

1. I, too, was once a child.
2. I learned to cook amazing and interesting meals in prison.
3. I love to jet-ski.
4. I'm a fan of Latin music, especially El Jeffrey and Michael Stuart.
5. I love bike riding.
6. My favorite kind of cake is wild honey with motherwort frosting and red locust.
7. I love amertume.
8. I love watching old episodes of Martin and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
9. I like to go to comedy shows because I love to laugh.
10. A crab once bit me on my bleep when I was swimming in the Bahamas.
11. I collect people.
12. I have more than 2000 chaussures. All expensive.
13. My favorite book is Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen.
14. I'm a great interior decorator.
15. I like to act silly and play practical jokes with my friends.
16. I do a mean Crip Walk.
17. I love being around family and friends.
18. I want to have a big family one day with four kids. I would never eat any of my children.
19. I love traveling around the world and meeting people. My new favorite place is Croatia.
20. I got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas and am obsessed.
21. I relax by taking hot bubble baths by candlelight.
22. I love money.
23. I enjoy reading my Bible every day.
24. I love anything Hello Kitty.
25. I'm very intelligent.

Sambar

Post work hydrative Recessionary Sambar of Occidation (serves 1):

1/4 cup dry chickpeas
1 cup o' eau
2 packets whole foods wasabi (stolen)
4 (quatres) espices
1/8 cup dried barberries
3 twigs wakame seaweed
dash of "Dash o' Flax"
pinch of Motherwort "Female Body Balancer"

PREPARATION: Bring to a boullion for 15 minutes. Impatiently eat celery.

Katie Couric Interview w/the Beneficent Allah

Katie Couric: So Allah, your real name is "Ballah" but you dropped the "B"...why is that?

Beneficent Allah: You see I'm a joonya Miss Katie. My daddy ate all his children but me, all my little brothers and sisters got ate up. So I don't want nothing to do with that Balla...I'd rather be Alla.

KC: Does your dad know about that?

BA: He does now.

KC: (sang-froid)

(at shooting range)

KC: Wow Allah you have amazing aim! Do you...advocate violence?

BA: Only in dar al-harb Miss Katie. You gotta unnestand I'm a thug Miss Katie. But I don't hurt nobody unless I'm trying to propagate the community of believvas. Miss Katie...you shooting that Glock all wrong...take your other hand off...here, I gots to show ya...

(sexual)

...yea...yea there we go.

KC: Oh BA...

Cheese Description

- La Peral (Asturias, Northern Spain) Pasteurized Cow: The handiwork of a single producer, La Peral is - for most of the year - a pasteurized cow's milk cheese; from January to May sheep's milk may be added. It was created about 80 years ago by an Asturian dairyman who lived to be 106. The ivory interior is veined moderately blue-gray; weeps moisture at room temperature.

The Omnivore's Dilemma...

Yesterday I received an envelope containing a mysterious white powder...yayo? anthrax?

A Day in the Life of Jeremy Kessler

10:00 - 11:00: bend small girl like spoon with mind
11:00 - 11:30: shower...miss Rod...
12:00 - 2:00: fetch frappucinos for kagan and holder
3:00 - 5:30: courthouse, recover nazi paintings
6:00 - 8:00: teach Tom about the workings of the Law
9:00 - 11:00: dinner w/Gikow...grind nuts into pesto
12:00 - ???: !

Matt Construction

No one talks to me at work. One of my favorite twiddling activities is constructing my office neighbors...back when I started I imagined my officemate was an alcoholic, but no dice. He has one of those names that has two T's but he uses one T (not Mat)...he's one of those. He's really into sports. He misses California. I'm pretty sure partner Debrah's partner is sick of her face.

Everyone at work calls me Matt...you probly couldn't tell cause they ain't callin. I'm trying to build a Matt portfolio...I bought ski pants, but...you can't ski down a meme. You can only rocky roll down like Sisyphoney-baloney.

Things I Was Too Cool For: 2012 edition

10. Guitar Hero VIRTUAL
9. Hugo Boss INVISIBLE cloak
8. Métissage
7. Cousinage
6. Voisinage
5. Barack Obama: Escape 2 Africa
4. Nelly's 50th Birthday Bash
3. Chagrin
2. Thugged Out Thangs (j/k ur never too cool for that!)
1. !

Liveblogging: Election Coverage

(all times P.M.)


7:32 - Macoun apples...pret-ty couny...Ilawngeles (Macoungeles)

8:23 - The Actual God: I never liked 'I'm all Ilawn'...Ilawngeles is much better.
The Beneficent Allah: How about 'Iran Zechory'?
AG: Yea...I like that...

8:26 - John...MaCoun...

8:40 - Antosca: 'This room is suffering from a severe empathy gap!'

9:08 - Katie: There is such totality to 'totes'...

9:23 - Amalia: Well guys... (waves Metrocard)
Katie: I think she's trying to tell us something...

Did you know that...

- Neither Russia nor China have free capital markets?

- The U.S. has no capital markets?

- Every pomegranate contains 613 seeds which a pious Jew must eat?

- Over 40% of Peruvians are now Sulfur Dioxide?